It's a Small World After All...

CRACK! Britney's head slams down on the concrete as Allyson forces her down onto the ground.
"Everyone, it's alright. She's going to be fine," Allyson yells. People are gathering around now and Allyson pushes people away from Britney's now limp body.
It's dark. Britney tries but can't open her eyes. Tries, but can't move her arms or legs. Where am I? she thinks, What happened?
"Britney..." she hears something in the distance, but was it real or her imagination? She tries again, so hard, to open her eyes and all of a sudden they open. It's bright white, sterile almost; she blinks a few times and sits up. She's in a large white room, totally blank, sitting on the ground. Britney takes a deep breath and looks around and sees someone off in the distance, the very far distance, someone very tall and lanky was walking towards her. She struggles to stand up but manages to balance on her two feet. She walks towards the figure advancing on her but stops. He comes closer and Britney is starting to be able to make out facial feature, was it? No, it couldn’t be. Britney squints, trying to figure out who it was and before she knows it he is standing in front of her.

“Oh my John Krasinski!” she yells.

“No, I am not John Krasinski. I just look like him,” the man says, “But, to make things a little easier, you may call me John.”

“John. Where am I?” Britney asks.

“Well, that depends. Some people call this heaven, but those are the people who aren’t going back. Some people call this hell, but to them it looks very different. What do you see Britney?”

“How do you know my name?”

“Don’t ask questions.”

“It’s a big white room.”

“Very good. I can tell you why you’re here. Remember all of those times you thought to yourself, “If I spend one more day at Bob’s Muffler I will kill myself. Please, someone, anyone, get me out of here.’? Well, we heard you.”

“We?”

“You don’t need to know who we are.”

“Well, fine. How do I go home? I was at Disneyland, man!”

“That wasn’t really you. We had to figure out a way to get you here and the kindest way we could think of was to get your friend to knock you out in order to protect hordes of innocent young children”

“What? That was totally me. Those kids were in my freaking way!”

“Really? Did I forget to file the paperwork on that one? We totally meant to send a temporary personality into the real world to make you act totally insane. Hold on, let me call this in,” John pulled out his phone and dialed a few numbers.

“Yeah, this is not John Krasinski, did we send the crazies to Britney Nicole Clemmons? No? What do you mean it wasn’t approved? I told him! Fine. Bye,” he hung up. “Well, it seems that you weren’t approved to come here. Since we can’t really send you back into the real world and you don’t have clearance to stay here, looks like we have to send you down under.”

“What? I don’t want to go to Hell! I don’t deserve it! I’m innocent. Innocennnnnnnnnt!” Britney cried.

“Who said anything about Hell? We’re sending you to Australia.”

“Noooooooooooooooooooooo! I’d rather go to Hell!”

“Sorry, Britney. See you next time,” John said and walked away.

Britney sat down on the ground and buried her head in her hands.

“All I wanted were pictures with the Disneyland Disney characters. Now I’m being sent to Australia!” she said to herself. Allyson was stuck back in Anaheim with Britney’s body and she had no way to get back to it.

TO BE CONTINUED

It's a Small World After All

"What do you mean Aladdin won't be out for another TWO hours?!?" Britney yelled at the defenseless Disneyland employee.
"I-I-I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do," the employee said.
"Fine!" Britney yelled and stormed off.
"I'm so sorry, my friend has a sometimes violent obsession with Disney characters," Allyson says, opens her purse, takes out a tissue and hands it to the now sobbing girl. Allyson looks around, sees Britney about to assault a young girl who happened to get to Jack Sparrow first and runs after her.
"No, Britney! No!" Allyson reaches her and grabs her wrist right as she's about to rocket past the parents. "No. We do not attack children. Look at me. It's just a picture. Let's grab some Dr. Pepper."
Allyson pulls Britney away from the scene and forces her down in a chair at a nearby cafe.
"You don't need to treat me like a child," Britney pouts.
"Whatever," Allyson says and walks to the register. "Two Diet Pepsi's please," she orders. She grabs them and walks back towards the table only to see that Britney has disappeared.
"Oh. Crap," she says and pulls out her cell phone. Britney's phone rings and rings but she doesn't answer. Britney ran off at Disneyland. Allyson looked around again, sighed and sits down at a table by herself and drinks both sodas. Five minutes passes. She burps. She gets up and decided to head to Space Mountain to see if the line is really long. Right as she gets to the entrance of Tomorrowland she hears in the distance, "Buzz Lightyeeeeeeeeeeeeeear!"
"Oh crap," she says to herself and runs in the direction of the voice. Up ahead she can see the figure of Buzz Lightyear writhing around on the ground and a slight glint of the sun reflecting off of Britney's retainer. She runs straight into a group of people and by the time she arrives at the scene Britney was gone. She hears sirens and sees paramedics running to Buzz to make sure he didn't suffer any longterm brain damage after the brutal assault.
Hot on the tail of Britney, Allyson runs off to where she assumed the next characters would be, ToonTown. She reaches the entrance of ToonTown only to be surrounded by thousands of strollers, Britney was nowhere in sight. Allyson slows to a jog and looks around, she didn't see any injured Disney characters, no crying children, Britney must not have come through here yet. Allyson keeps walking towards the middle of the area and suddenly hears someone shouting. it was coming from behind her! She whirled around and walked back towards the entrance. There was Britney! She was rapidly approaching Mary Poppins, who was surrounded by a group of children. Allyson sprints with all of her might at Britney and tackles her to the ground only seconds before she reached the first child.

TO BE CONTINUED

Would you like mayonaise on them peaches, hon?

One day, while Britney was slaving away at Bob’s Muffler, she had an epiphany: “What on earth am I doing working at Bob’s Muffler?” she thought. Although this wasn’t the first time that thought had popped into her head (it was a frequent occurrence happening approximately once every other hour everyday that she worked, and often some of the days she didn’t i.e. Independence Day, Christmas, and every Sunday), it would be the last. This one was brought on by another hopeless argument with Jim about the English language. Britney was too grammatically correct to let Jim continue to pronounce his “M”s as “N”s any longer. In a fit of rage, she grabbed the trash can and tipped it over and yelled, “I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDDD!”
The only car she really had access to at this point was the Daewoo. So she had to work with her resources. While driving to pick up Ally to give her the wonderful news, the visor in the Daewoo obstructed her vision, causing her to hit a patch of dirt on the road and spin out of control, and fly over a center divider and into a pole. Well, she was shaken but she knew exactly who to call. Well, not who so much as what number to dial: 222.2222. Unfortunately, the “Accidentes!” hotline had been disconnected to accommodate phone numbers for the growing population, much like the popular “Time” hotline (which I am still not over, by the way). So she called the next best thing: Allyson.
Allyson came quickly to the rescue. They decided that it would be in everyone’s best interest to just leave the Daewoo for dead at the site. Someone would probably find it and use it to flee the country. It was a sad parting, but they both knew that the Daewoo was destined for bigger and better things; much like Allyson with Target, and Britney with Bob’s Muffler, Daewoo wouldn’t be held back from his dreams any longer! Now there was one thing left to do. Ally and Brit had to figure out what their dreams were. They decided to figure it out over a bite to eat.
After a few minutes of driving, they came across a posh new diner in town called “Bacon”. Britney was pretty sure that they had read about this restaurant in a book about New York, but Ally insisted it was called “Beacon”. They were seated promptly, but realized very quickly that they must have been thinking of a different restaurant… they tried to determine whether they were eating lunch or on the set of a Larry the Cable Guy Movie. There were stuffed woodland creatures staring at them. It was quite disturbing, really. They weren’t like the cute woodland creatures from your average Disney movie. They were rabid-looking raccoons, possums, skunks, and some sort of creature that looked remarkably similar to gremlins, post-submersion in water. This place was straight up from “A Goofy Movie”!! They decided to just grab a bite from Chipotle after the waitress asked, “Would you like mayonnaise on them peaches, hon?”.
Mmmmm, Chipotle. It was over a couple of tasty burritos that they decided to rob a bank, follow all of their favorite bands around on tour as the most amazingly chaste groupies ever to live (the only exception to the ‘chaste’ aspect being a run in with John Krasinski), and also to buy a trendy Manhattan apartment, equipped with a fire escape and an exposed brick wall… the best part being their attractive next door neighbor, who was gone filming movies and the hit television show, The Office, a lot of the time, but enjoyed crazy evenings of ranch with a side of pizza and games of “What if?” when he was home.

It's a Small World After All...

This story is nothing more than a title at the moment but this story will be ahmazing. As usual.

This One Goes Out to All of the Lovers Out There, Part II

John led them into the club like he owned the place, nodding at the guards at the door as they sashayed on by.
"I have a private room, would you like to go in?" John asked, "Britney can come too, of course."
"Yes. We'd love to. Britney will probably have to stay with me the whole night, she can't really go out on her own," Allyson said.
"Nuuuhhhhhhhrrrrrrrr," said Britney.
"That's fine. Here it is, let's go in." He led them into a small, cozy room, filled with a few people who were all very happy to see John.
"Hey everyone. This is Allyson, I met her in line, and her friend Britney, she's a little "special,"' he said, the last part under his breath. Britney gathered herself for just a few seconds to lift her head and grunt and then went back to the drooling. Allyson sat Britney down on a couch and herself on a different couch, John came and sat next to her.
Fifteen minutes later, conversation was flowing and drinks were being served (except for Britney, of course, can't be giving drinks people with special circumstances). John was still sitting next to Allyson, talking, Allyson couldn't help but notice that her hand had inexplicably migrated onto his thigh, and he would touch her shoulder every time he laughed at something she said.
"Hey," he said, "Would you like to dance?"
Allyson nodded and they stood up, he took her hand and led her out onto the dance floor. Britney, now that John was out of sight, sat up, shook her head and struck up conversation with the couple next to her.
Out on the dance floor it was really noisy and Allyson was having a blast although John could hardly dance, his enthusiasm made up for it. She was pretty sure that at least once during the night she was both dancing with John and grinding with who she could have sworn was Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother. An hour later, still on the dance floor she head the DJ make the Last Call and start up the final song, a slow jam to calm everyone the heck down. It was Mariah Carey's latest, Touch My Body.
"This one goes out to all the lovers and losers out there," the DJ said, "Have fun, be safe, don't drink and drive."
John looked at Allyson, took her hand and led her back onto the dance floor. Neither of them knew how to slow dance, but that was totally okay, Allyson couldn't have asked for anything more. After the song ended they went back to the room where most of the party had already left save Britney and some random dude who she was making out with. Allyson tapped her on the shoulder, she looked up, saw John and the drool started again.
"Eww," the random dude said, "Drooling is only okay on the second date." He got up and left.
Allyson collected their jackets and they walked out. John was a gentleman and asked if he should walk them to the car. Allyson said it wasn't necessary and that she had a fantastic night. It was then when John got down on one knee.
"Allyson," he said, "Hey, will you wait while I tie my shoe?" He tied them really quick and stood up. "Also, I would like your phone number."
"Oh, well, alright. It's 555-4380," she said, and wrote it down on his hand with a pen from her purse.
"I'll call you."
"Alright."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
Once out of viewing range again, Britney snapped to life. "Allyson!" she screamed, "Alllllllyson! I can't believe I missed out on an entire night with John Krasinski!"
"Yeah," Allyson said, "I can't say I can complain, Drooly."
They got in the car and drove home.

TO BE CONTINUED

This One Goes Out to All of the Lovers Out There, Part I

It was a balmy Friday evening when Britney made the outrageous suggestion.
"Hey," she said, "Let's go to L.A. and go clubbing! Maybe we will meet Paris Hilton!"
"I don't think so," Allyson replied, "That sounds ridiculous, besides, Paris Hilton smells like soup."
It was true. However, Britney was unable to take no as an answer. She poked and prodded at Allyson until she gave in. "Fine," she said, "But if I get some sort of disease you're paying for my medical expenses." And they left.
Two hours later they were standing outside of the coolest and most exclusive club the United States has ever seen, a place called Butter. It's a ridiculous name, but they all have stupid names. The line was wrapped around the building two times it was so long.
"There is no way we're ever going to get in. Look at these people. Oh my goodness, that's Leonardo DiFreakingCaprio!" Britney exclaimed. Allyson looked over with casual interest and saw that it was indeed him.
"Yeah, whatever. Let's just go to In'n'Out and get some burgers," Allyson said in her exasperated way.
"No way! I'm going to get into that club even if it means flashing the bouncer and slipping him a twenty." Britney said and stood firmly in line. Allyson looked around, shrugged, and got in line behind Britney.
"If that works, please don't make me do it," Allyson said, "How embarrassing."
Minutes go by, hours, what felt like days on end pass in a matter of about 45 minutes. They hadn't moved not even one inch. Allyson stood there playing Tetris on her phone and listening to her iPod. Britney scoped the scene.
"Is that Paris? OMG. It is. Oh, wait, no, no it's not. Darn. OMG is that Lindsay Lohan?!? Ugh, no, wrong again. Wait! That is Scarlett Johanssen. Yes. Yesssssssssssssss! Flip! Why do all of these people look like celebrities?" she asked.
"I don't know? Maybe you are just looking too hard?" Allyson responded, barely lifting her eyes from her phone.
Britney shrugged and kept looking. Allyson felt someone bump into her from behind and she turned for just a second, expecting apology. She looked up at the man who had bumped into her and blinked.
"I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention I guess." The tall, beautiful man said.
"Guuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthat'tokay." Allyson mumbled.
"I'm sorry?" the man leaned in closer to hear her.
"It's okay. No harm."
"That's good. I'm John by the way"
"I know. I mean, I'm Allyson. Nice to meet you."
They shook hands. Allyson looked over at Britney who had since started talking to the girl in front of her about the feud that was Christina vs. Britney.
"Nuh-uh!" Allyson heard Britney say, "Britney one hundred percent. That girl has staying power, I don't care how messed up her personal life is!"
Allyson turned back around to John but he was gone. Despair washed over her. John Krasinski was talking to her! And then he left. Sacre bleu! She turned back to the front and saw him out of the corner of her eye walking up to the bouncer at the entrance of the club, talking to him for a minute, looking back and pointing at her. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched him walk back towards them. Was he asking to get her kicked out of line? She didn't do anything! He came up to her and said, "Hey, I'm on the list tonight, do you want to go in?"
"Oh my God yes!" she exclaimed, then remembered Britney, "Is it okay if my friend goes too?" Britney turned from her conversation, saw John and her eyes opened wide and her jaw dropped and she started drooling all over John's shoes. He looked at her.
"That's alright," Allyson said, "She's mentally retarded, she was dropped on her head when she was a baby. She's cool though."
John moved a few feet away from Britney and held his arm out for Allyson, "Shall we?" he asked. She took his arm, and Britney's hand, and walked into the club.

TO BE CONTINUED.